July 4th, perhaps the biggest holiday in America. A happy and joyous day to many.
July 4th, 2020: I lost one of my best friends, I lost a prayer partner, I lost my mother.
This post is not going to be coherent. (I promise to be better in the next one). My mind is all over. This is my first time blogging in a little over 3 years. To be completely honest, I don’t know what I am doing right now. Something tells me though that I need to do this. I have prayed for guidance, for peace even. I remember when I was first told that she had died, I was in so much shock. I felt defeated, like I had lost everything, that nothing mattered anymore. Everyone around me kept on saying that it would get better, that the pain would slowly go away. I find that I miss her more and more every day. I don’t have to do anything special really. I think of cooking, I remember her and cry. I pick up my phone, I remember her and cry. I look at the clothes she bought me years ago, I remember her as I squeeze on to the clothes and cry. To be honest, I am terrified of forgetting her. I know that it may be unhealthy but I constantly relive the last words that she ever spoke to me, That she is well, and TO BE STRONG.
Nowadays, I battle a mixture of either confusion, crippling anxiety and loneliness. I feel like I am new to the world with no guidance. On one hand, I feel robbed. Why was she taken away from me at such a young age and in such a painful manner? Could i have done more if I had known earlier? On the other hand, I am glad that she doesn’t have to know the pain and struggles of living in this world. The belief in God and the christian faith that she clung on to so religiously till her death reassures me that wherever she is, she is okay; that I don’t have to be selfish and wish that she was still alive even though she was going through so much pain, that she is hopefully reunited with her parents and siblings who had gone to be with the Lord before her. I really hope you are okay mum, wherever you are.
I am told that this was the very last bible verse that she requested/read before she passed away. I have these words engraved in my heart. I pray that they encourage anyone who ever reads this. I am definitely heartbroken but GOD IS GOOD. ALWAYS.